Grief is a natural response
Grief is what we feel when we lose something or someone important. Whether you’re grieving the death of a loved one, a miscarriage, the end of a relationship, or a major life change, grief can feel all-consuming. It can affect your thoughts, emotions, body, and sense of who you are.
At our Tunbridge Wells psychology clinic, we support individuals and families experiencing all types of grief. One of the most important messages we offer is this: there is no “right” way to grieve. It’s not something to be fixed or hurried along. It’s a process that unfolds in its own time and in its own way.
The many faces of grief
Grief doesn’t look the same for everyone. While sadness is common, people may also feel anger, guilt, numbness, disbelief, anxiety, or even relief, especially if the person who died had been suffering, or the relationship was difficult. There is no ‘normal’ mix of feelings. It’s also normal for grief to come and go in waves, sometimes triggered by anniversaries, places, smells, or music.
You may have heard of the “five stages of grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While this model can be helpful in describing the kinds of feelings that may come up, it’s not a step-by-step path. Many people move back and forth between these feelings, or don’t experience all of them at all. It’s not linear, and that’s okay.
Grief can also affect our concentration, sleep, appetite, and motivation. Some people throw themselves into work or caring for others. Others may withdraw from social contact. These reactions are all valid ways the mind and body try to cope with pain.
Some things can make grief more complicated, such as past trauma, family or cultural expectations about how you should grieve, or a relationship with the person that was difficult or unresolved. Grief can also be delayed, or come back years later when something seemingly unrelated stirs it up.
How grief shows up is also shaped by your relationship with who or what you have lost, and by the circumstances of the loss. Losing a parent feels different from losing a pet, ending a marriage or watching your children leave home. A sudden death often brings different challenges from one that was expected. Your personality, past experiences of loss, cultural background and the support around you all play a part too. Some people cry openly while others feel numb, and some want company while others need time alone. All of these responses are normal.
Grief isn’t only about death
We often think of grief in relation to death, but we grieve many kinds of loss throughout life:
- the end of a relationship or marriage
- job loss or retirement
- children leaving home, or infertility
- loss of health or physical abilities
- moving away from familiar places
- the end of a life stage or a future you had hoped for
Disenfranchised grief, meaning a loss that other people don’t readily acknowledge, can be particularly hard. Grieving the end of a friendship, a miscarriage or the death of a much-loved pet might feel less valid, but these losses deserve recognition and care too.
Looking after yourself while you grieve
Grief needs patience and self-compassion. Try to let yourself feel whatever comes up without judging it. Some days you might function as normal, and others might need gentleness and rest. Both are fine.
Looking after the basics matters even when motivation is low. Try to eat regularly, drink enough water and get some sleep, even if these feel difficult. Gentle movement, such as a walk, can help when you’re ready.
When grief becomes stuck
For many people, grief softens over time. While the loss remains, life gradually becomes liveable again. But for others, the pain persists and continues to impact significantly on everyday life. This may be a sign of complicated grief (also known as prolonged grief disorder).
Signs that grief may be stuck include:
- Feeling unable to accept the loss
- Persistent yearning or longing
- Avoiding reminders of the person or loss
- Intense guilt or self-blame
- A sense that life no longer has meaning
- Withdrawing from friends or responsibilities
If these feelings continue for many months and feel unmanageable, it’s important to reach out. Therapy can help you process the pain in a safe, structured, and supportive way.
It is also worth getting support if depression or strong anxiety is building up alongside your grief, if the loss involved trauma, or if you are having thoughts of harming yourself.
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please don’t wait for a therapy appointment. We are not a crisis service. If you need urgent help, call NHS 111 (option 2), contact your GP, or call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time. In an emergency, call 999.
How therapy can help with grief
Talking to a Clinical Psychologist can make a real difference, particularly when grief feels overwhelming, complicated, or isolating. Therapy doesn’t try to “cure” grief. It gives you space to talk about things that feel hard to say, understand your emotions, and learn how to carry your loss while continuing to live.
At The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, we offer several evidence-based approaches to grief therapy:
- CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can be helpful when grief triggers negative beliefs or unhelpful thought patterns, such as “It’s my fault” or “I’ll never be happy again.” CBT helps you develop more balanced and compassionate thinking.
- Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) is often useful when there’s a lot of self-criticism or shame surrounding the grief. It supports you in developing kindness towards yourself as you heal.
- ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) can help you make room for painful feelings while reconnecting with what matters to you, so you can move forward in a way that honours your loss.
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) may help when the loss was traumatic, such as a sudden death or a miscarriage. It helps the brain process distressing memories so that they feel less raw and more integrated.
Therapy can also help you adjust to changes in your identity, whether that’s no longer being a partner, a sibling, a carer, or simply no longer living the life you expected.
Honouring the loss while moving forward
Grieving doesn’t mean forgetting. Many people fear that if they move forward, they’re dishonouring the person they lost. But moving forward doesn’t mean leaving them behind. Therapy can help you find ways to stay connected to what you’ve lost while rebuilding a life that includes joy, meaning, and growth.
You might explore rituals, memory boxes, keeping a journal, planting something in remembrance, continuing traditions that matter to you, or supporting others who’ve experienced similar losses. These actions can help you make space for the loss, without it taking over everything.
Finding support in Tunbridge Wells and Kent
If you’re grieving and finding it hard to cope, you are not alone. Whether your loss is recent or long ago, sudden or expected, a Clinical Psychologist can help you make sense of what you’re feeling and support you through the healing process.
Our clinic, The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, offers compassionate, tailored grief therapy to individuals of all ages and backgrounds. Whether you need a safe space to talk, tools to manage the emotions, or specialist trauma support, we’re here to help.
Grief changes over time. With the right support, it is possible to carry your loss and still live a life that matters to you.
You can read more about our support for grief and bereavement. If you would like to talk to one of our psychologists, fill in our short online form.