We often find it natural to comfort a friend who’s struggling or offer understanding words to someone facing difficulties. Yet when we encounter our own mistakes, failures, or painful emotions, many of us respond with harsh criticism rather than kindness. This tendency towards self-criticism can significantly impact our mental health and overall wellbeing.
Self-compassion, a concept developed by psychologist Dr Kristin Neff, offers a different approach. Rather than beating ourselves up when things go wrong, self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness we would show a good friend.
What Self-Compassion Actually Means
Self-compassion consists of three core components that work together to create a healthier relationship with ourselves:
Self-kindness involves being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or criticising ourselves harshly.
Common humanity recognises that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. When we acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and faces challenges, we feel less isolated in our difficulties.
Mindfulness means holding our experience in balanced awareness, neither suppressing nor getting overwhelmed by difficult emotions. We observe our thoughts and feelings without becoming completely identified with them.
These elements create a foundation for emotional resilience and psychological wellbeing that many of us lack when we default to self-criticism.
The Hidden Costs of Self-Criticism
Many people believe that being hard on themselves motivates improvement and prevents complacency. However, research consistently shows that self-criticism often backfires, creating significant barriers to growth and healing.
Self-critical patterns can fuel anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. When we constantly judge ourselves harshly, our nervous system remains in a state of threat, making it difficult to think clearly or make positive changes. This internal criticism can also increase procrastination, as we become afraid of making mistakes that might trigger more self-attack.
At The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, we frequently see clients who struggle with perfectionism and self-criticism, finding that these patterns actually prevent them from achieving their goals rather than helping them succeed.
Practical Ways to Develop Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion is a skill that can be learned and strengthened over time. Here are some evidence-based techniques you can begin practising today:
Notice your inner critic: Start by becoming aware of how you speak to yourself, particularly during difficult moments. Would you talk to a friend this way? If not, this awareness is your first step towards change.
Use compassionate self-talk: When facing a challenge, try speaking to yourself as you would to someone you care about. Use phrases like “This is really difficult right now” or “I’m doing my best in a tough situation.”
Practice the self-compassion break: During moments of suffering, place your hand on your heart and acknowledge your pain with kindness. Remind yourself that struggle is part of life, and offer yourself words of comfort.
Write yourself a compassionate letter: When dealing with something you feel bad about, write yourself a letter from the perspective of an unconditionally loving friend. This exercise can help shift your perspective and reduce self-judgement.
Building Long-Term Self-Compassion Habits
Creating lasting change in how we treat ourselves requires consistent practice. Consider developing a daily self-compassion routine that might include mindful moments of self-kindness, regular check-ins with your emotional state, or keeping a compassion journal where you note moments of self-kindness.
Remember that developing self-compassion doesn’t mean lowering your standards or avoiding responsibility. Research shows that people with higher self-compassion are actually more motivated to improve, take better care of their health, and maintain stronger relationships.
Self-compassion provides the emotional safety needed for genuine growth and healing. When we feel supported rather than attacked from within, we’re more likely to acknowledge our mistakes honestly, learn from them, and make positive changes in our lives.
If you find it challenging to develop self-compassion or notice that self-criticism is significantly impacting your wellbeing, professional support can help. Our clinic offers various therapeutic approaches that can help you develop a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself. Contact The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist to book a consultation and explore how therapy might support you in developing greater self-compassion and emotional wellbeing.
