Back to School When School Feels Scary
As September rolls in, the buzz of new beginnings seems to be everywhere. But for some families, the return to school can bring dread rather than excitement. If your child is struggling with school refusal or ‘back-to-school anxiety’, you’re not alone. And you’re not failing. These challenges are far more common than many realise, and there are ways to gently support your child through them.
Listen First
When a child says they “can’t go,” our instinct is often to reassure or problem-solve. But the most powerful first step is to listen. Let your child speak freely, without rushing to correct or fix. Simply acknowledging their fears “That sounds really hard,” or “I hear how worried you are”can help them feel seen and safe.
Understand What’s Really Going On
School refusal isn’t about being naughty or difficult. For many children, it’s a sign of overwhelming anxiety. They might be frightened about friendships, changes in routine, separation from home, or even just the sheer sensory overload of a busy classroom.
Younger children often struggle to articulate what’s wrong. Visual tools like drawing an “anxiety iceberg” (with the feelings on the surface and the fears hidden underneath) can help them begin to put their worries into words.
Small Steps, Not Big Leaps
Expecting an anxious child to go from full refusal to full attendance overnight can make things worse. Instead, think small. Could they visit the school on a quiet weekend? Sit in the car outside for a few minutes? Walk to the gate, even if they don’t go in? These small exposures, done at their pace, help rebuild confidence gradually.
Celebrate each little step. Acknowledge the effort it takes to do hard things. Even something as small as putting on a uniform deserves recognition.
Collaborate with the School
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Your child’s school is a crucial partner in supporting a return. Arrange a calm, practical meeting with the class teacher or SENCO. Share what you’re seeing at home and ask for simple, flexible adjustments.
These might include early drop-offs to avoid busy entrances, a quiet place to go when things feel too much, or a familiar staff member to meet your child at the gate. Sometimes, just knowing there’s a plan can ease a child’s anxiety.
Create Calm at Home
Back-to-school routines can reduce anxiety but they need to be gentle and predictable. Try preparing bags and clothes the night before, keeping mornings unhurried, and using simple visual schedules to walk through the day ahead.
After school, create a soft landing. Think calming activities: drawing, music, reading together, or just quiet time. This helps your child regulate and reset before the next day.
If They Can’t Go In, Stay Connected
There may be days when school simply isn’t possible. If that happens, don’t panic. Keep the day structured with calming activities, short learning tasks, and regular check-ins. If your child’s anxiety continues, your GP or a school wellbeing lead can guide you towards further support.
Staying in contact with school even when your child is off to help maintain a sense of belonging. Could they write a note to their teacher or watch a school assembly online? These small links can really help for when a return feels more possible.
Look After You Too
Supporting a child through school refusal is draining. You might feel frustrated, guilty, even ashamed. These emotions are normal. But you don’t have to carry them alone. Talking to someone you trust or seeking your own therapeutic support can help you feel more resourced.
Remember, you are the expert on your child. Having the resource and support to calm and caring is the most powerful tool you have.
In Closing
When school feels too big, the solution isn’t force or pressure - it’s safety, empathy, and patience. Trust in the process. Things can and do improve. And you don’t have to do it all alone.
