When Good Isn’t Good Enough: Supporting a Perfectionist Teen
The Pressure to Be Perfect
Many teenagers set high standards for themselves. But for some, those standards become rigid, unrealistic, and self-punishing. Perfectionism in teens often hides behind good school results, tidy bedrooms, or achievement—but underneath may be anxiety, self-doubt, and burnout.
At The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, we work with many adolescents who seem to be coping well from the outside but feel exhausted and unhappy inside. This blog explores what perfectionism looks like in teens, why it happens, and how therapy can help.
Signs of Perfectionism in Teenagers
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do well—it’s about fearing that anything less than perfect is failure.
Common signs include:
Obsessive focus on results or performance
Avoiding things unless they’re sure they’ll succeed
Constant comparison to others
Difficulty celebrating achievements
Overreacting to mistakes or minor criticism
Procrastination (because the task feels too overwhelming)
Being overly self-critical or sensitive to perceived failure
You may hear things like:
“I’m never doing enough.”
“Everyone else is better than me.”
These aren’t just teen dramas—they’re signs of emotional distress.
What Drives Teen Perfectionism?
There’s no single cause, but common contributing factors include:
A strong need for approval or fear of rejection
Academic or social pressure (including from school or family)
Fear of failure or letting others down
Low self-esteem masked by high achievement
Early experiences of conditional praise (“You’re clever when you get good marks”)
Personality traits such as sensitivity or conscientiousness
Social media also plays a big role—many teens feel pressure to appear flawless, productive, and happy at all times.
The Emotional Cost
Left unaddressed, perfectionism can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout, eating disorders, and chronic self-worth issues. It also robs teens of joy—they stop engaging in things they enjoy unless they can be the best.
They may avoid applying for opportunities, freeze under pressure, or become increasingly self-isolating.
The good news? Therapy can help them break free from these patterns—without sacrificing their motivation or ambition.
How Therapy Can Help
At our Tunbridge Wells clinic, we support perfectionist teens using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
We help them:
Identify perfectionistic thinking styles
Explore the fears behind their drive for perfection
Challenge “all or nothing” thinking
Develop self-worth that isn’t dependent on outcomes
Learn to tolerate mistakes and uncertainty
Build a kind, supportive inner voice
Therapy gives teens a safe space to say things like “I feel like I’m never enough” and be met with warmth—not pressure.
What Parents Can Do
Supporting a perfectionist teen can be tricky—you want to encourage effort but don’t want to feed the pressure.
Here are some helpful approaches:
1. Praise process, not outcome. Instead of “You’re so smart,” try “You worked hard on that—I’m proud of your effort.”
2. Normalise mistakes. Talk openly about times you’ve failed and what you learned. Let them see that errors aren’t dangerous.
3. Avoid over-focusing on achievement. Teens often internalise praise about results. Celebrate rest, effort, and persistence too.
4. Stay curious. If your teen seems frustrated or withdrawn, gently ask: “What’s going on for you when it doesn’t feel good enough?”
5. Watch your language. Avoid using perfectionist phrases like “We always do our best,” which can reinforce rigidity.
Support in Tunbridge Wells and Kent
If your teen is struggling with perfectionism, therapy can help them find balance. At The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, our Clinical Psychologists work with adolescents to reduce anxiety, build resilience, and reconnect with joy and purpose.
