Taming the Inner Critic: Helping Your Child Develop Self-Kindness

When Children Turn Against Themselves

Some children seem confident and capable on the outside, but inside they carry a harsh inner voice that’s constantly criticising them. They might call themselves “stupid,” “rubbish,” or say they “always get things wrong.” For parents, this can be upsetting and confusing—especially when there’s no obvious cause.

At The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, we work with many children and teens who struggle with perfectionism and self-criticism. This post explores why the inner critic shows up, how it affects your child, and what you can do to help them develop a more compassionate voice instead.

What Is the Inner Critic?

The inner critic is the voice in our heads that says we’re not good enough. In children, it might sound like:

• “I’m bad at everything.”

• “Everyone thinks I’m annoying.”

• “I’ll never get it right.”

• “I hate myself.”

It’s not always loud. Some children quietly withdraw, avoid trying new things, or become anxious or angry when they make mistakes. Others constantly seek reassurance, terrified of getting things wrong.

Why Do Some Children Develop a Harsh Inner Voice?

No child is born self-critical. The inner critic usually develops in response to:

• Perfectionism – The belief that anything less than perfect is failure.

• Fear of failure or embarrassment – Especially after being laughed at, scolded, or excluded.

• High expectations – From themselves, school, or even well-meaning adults.

• Comparison – Social media, siblings, or classmates who seem more talented or confident.

• Misinterpreted feedback – Children may hear “you could try that again” as “you failed.”

Some children are more sensitive or anxious by nature and are more likely to internalise criticism. Others may have learned to motivate themselves through pressure and fear, believing it’s the only way to do well.

What Does It Look Like in Everyday Life?

A child with a strong inner critic may:

• Avoid new tasks for fear of failure

• Become upset over small mistakes

• Constantly apologise or ask if they’ve done something wrong

• Struggle with self-esteem or compare themselves to others

• Show perfectionistic behaviours, like redoing homework repeatedly

• Get frustrated, angry or shut down when they can’t “get it right”

Over time, this inner pressure can contribute to anxiety, low mood, social withdrawal, or burnout.

How Therapy Can Help

At The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, we support children and teens to identify, challenge, and soften their inner critic. Our Clinical Psychologists use approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), adapted to suit each child’s developmental stage.

Therapy might involve:

• Helping your child notice when the inner critic shows up

• Exploring what the critic says and where those ideas may come from

• Teaching them how to talk back to that voice

• Building a compassionate inner coach—one that says, “It’s okay to make mistakes”

• Using creativity, play, or stories to help externalise the critic (e.g. turning it into a character they can stand up to)

We also support parents to reinforce these messages at home, so your child’s new inner voice feels safe, consistent, and supported.

What Parents Can Do at Home

You play a vital role in helping your child build a kinder internal voice. Here are some strategies you can try:

1. Listen for self-critical language. Gently challenge it:

“You’re not stupid—you just didn’t understand it yet.”
“It’s okay not to get everything right first time.”

2. Model self-compassion. Say out loud when you make mistakes—and how you’re kind to yourself about it:

“Oops, I burnt dinner. Oh well—we’ll laugh about it later!”

3. Praise effort and progress, not perfection. Focus on trying hard, not being the best.

4. Avoid rescuing too quickly. Let them struggle a bit and learn that failure isn’t something to fear.

5. Ask them what they’d say to a friend. This helps them realise how harsh they are to themselves in comparison.

6. Create a “kind voice” toolkit. Help them write down phrases that their compassionate self might say, and practice using them.

Support in Tunbridge Wells and Kent

If your child is struggling with self-esteem, perfectionism, or persistent self-criticism, therapy can help. At The Tunbridge Wells Psychologist, our Clinical Psychologists provide gentle, supportive therapy for children and young people to develop confidence, emotional regulation, and self-kindness.

The goal isn’t to silence their inner critic overnight—it’s to help them build a new voice inside: one that’s curious, flexible, and compassionate.